Pancakes and Panic Attacks
by otahotian
Summary: 3rd in the Blue line, follows after Brats and Grannies. Iruka continues his mission to fill his old house with lost souls. Less jokes, more introspection this time. I ship IruKashi and it shows.
1. Chapter 1

**It's been ages, hullo people! **

**Who: Umino Iruka; Hatake Kakashi; Uzumaki Naruto **

**Where: home and hospital **

**Why: no idea, really **

**Mood: contemplative, cuddly **

**Not beta-read, but not as terrible as the old stories are!**

* * *

Iruka had been making pancakes that morning. He remembered it, because it had been such a nice day, such a bright, sweet morning. The last few weeks of being a legitimate dad to a giggly child had been good for him. So, so good for him. The house he had inherited from his parents now actually looked habitable and all of its ghosts were staying quiet, chased away by the innocent laughter of a happy soul.

So Iruka had been making pancakes, Naruto brushing his teeth while leaned against his hip for some reason. Anko was still sleeping in the hammock out in the garden, because she was a superhuman completely immune to mundane things like cold, and Hayate was supposed to get there any minute, him and his legitimate girlfriend. Which Iruka almost never teased him about, honest.

Iruka had been making pancakes when the whole day, the whole everything went straight to hell.

He flipped one and turned around to steer Naruto back into the bathroom, only to stop short when he saw a crouched figure on the sill of the window. ANBU, masked and wrapped in a cloak to fight off the chills of early winter, silver hair sticking up above the mask. Iruka had an arm around Naruto and just took a step to stand in between them; he wasn't expecting trouble, but rather safe than sorry. He regretted that he couldn't remember the ANBU's official name, because he couldn't exactly call him by his civil one.

"Come on in." Iruka offered, unsealing the entrance. He ushered Naruto towards the door, relieved when Hatake didn't object to the child's absence. "Don't suppose you came for pancakes."

"No." Hatake agreed, shaking his head once he was safely in the room. He looked way too cold and there was a soft cover of snow clinging to the fabric of his cloak and Iruka itched to brush it off. "Sorry about.. crashing your morning." he apologised, too, and Iruka's ever present urge to bundle him in blankets increased ten fold.

He waved the apology away and turned off the stove, deciding the pile of made pancakes will have to do. "What's up, then?"

Hatake didn't close the window behind himself and he was /fidgeting/ with an edge of his glove. "Morino's in hospital. Mission went wrong. He's unconscious." he reported and the ground disappeared from under Iruka's feet, leaving him gasping for cold air, floating, choking.

The room was suddenly too large, dark and stretching into eternity, cold void pushing at Iruka's skin. He couldn't breath and saw nothing but black, black.

He was only enough aware to notice hands reaching from the cold darkness to guide him into a chair, chest against his back for him to sync his breath with a steady one. He tried. His lungs were working and he wasn't under water, he knew that, /knew/. It wasn't getting an easier. Each breath burned through him like he was swallowing fire, drying him from inside and no matter how much he gasped, none of the cold air got into his lungs.

It helped, though, the rise and fall of Hatake's chest against him and soon he managed to get a grip. He took in one long steadying breath, shuddery and wet, but the darkness was moving away slowly and the ground wasn't shaking anymore.

"God, sorry.." Iruka breathed out once he came back, once the world wasn't spinning around with him, slumping sideways against the back of the chair, running an exhausted hand down his face.

Hatake unpeeled himself from his back and walked around back into his line of vision, wary and hesitant. "..it's fine." he answered. "D'you need.. anything?"

"No, not really. Thank you." Iruka repeated, this time even managing a painful smile. "I'll.. get everyone and go see him."

Because fuck. Fuckfuckfuck. How many times had sensei sat with them when they were recovering? Even after they all made Chuunin, he was there to soothe and scold. He had always been infallible. Indestructible.

Until now.

Iruka stood up and his legs felt like they were jelly. He thanked all the gods Naruto wasn't there to see him like this-

"Oh fuck. Ass-sucking, damned fuck." Iruka announced, groaning into his palm. He stopped by the window he had been planning to use as an exit route and turned his head towards where he heard the water running, where Naruto was still washing up, oblivious to the drama.

Once again Hatake moved noiselessly into Iruka's line of sight, looking sheepish and hesitant. His neck was red, face probably too, but Iruka couldn't be sure. "I can stay until you get back." he offered and Iruka had to blink few times, surprised.

He bit back a question and instead nodded, deciding not to tempt luck. "Thank you." he said once again, clasping a hand on cold shoulder and then spun around, climbing out of the window to wake Anko up.

* * *

Ibiki wasn't doing that well. His injuries weren't really anything life threatening, but he had burned some of his chakra links when he pushed himself too far and he was still not waking up. The medics all told them he will be fine, that he wasn't at risk of death, but they also weren't sure how long will this all take. When will he wake up, how, if he will ever regain full chakra control.

Anko had to leave soon, just washing her tear stricken face and taking the keys from the shinobi at reception; she had to take over Ibiki's duties for now.

Iruka spent almost five hours there, trying not to look like he was crying, too, while Hayate sat quiet across the bed from him. They were each holding one of Ibiki's limp hands, counting his breaths.

Some time past noon the door opened and Yuugao stepped inside, quiet and respectful, to take a seat next to Hayate on the hard chairs. It was nice to watch, good to know that he had someone to take care of him when Iruka couldn't and Iruka still had a child at home.

"I'll be back later." he said quietly, getting a tight smile and a nod from the other male. It felt wrong to just up and leave, but he had responsibilities now. He /had/ to. He couldn't just leave Naruto with Hatake for the whole day and hope for the best. It didn't soothe his guilt, but Hayate didn't look like he was ready to blame him for it. He was a good friend like that.

Iruka pulled him in for a tight hug, trusting him to let know if anything happened or changed, and then was back out again, climbing the familiar trek to his home.

He found the house intact and not in flames, which was actually much better than what he had been expecting. Stepping inside he also realized it was strangely quiet, both present chakra signatures quiet and muted.

He followed them into the room that used to be Iruka's before he moved into his parents' bedroom. It was one of the largest rooms with windows to the south so it was usually sunfilled and warm. There, stretched on the sofa by the east wall, were Hatake and Naruto.

Both were obviously asleep, Naruto softly snoring and Kakashi with his face mashed into his elbow and one leg hanging off of the couch. During the hours he had changed out of his gear and into civilian clothes that Iruka with some amusement recognized as his own.

Right under his hand was an open book, children stories about shinobi. It was open on a story about Yondaime-sama and Iruka didn't even try to fight the fond smile. There was Hatake Kakashi, feared White Wolf of Konoha, soothing him when his sensei got injured, babysitting his kid and reading him stories about his own sensei. Naruto's dad.

Not for the first time Iruka wondered whether Kakashi had cried when Minato died. He thought not, he thought that there had been no one to tell him it was okay to.

"Iruka!" Naruto exclaimed, probably having just woken up from a light doze. He squirmed from under Hatake's arm and got up, leaping into Iruka's arms, hugging him tight. "I'm sorry Jijii's ill. He's gonna be fine, right?"

Iruka hugged him tighter, backing to sit on an edge of the bed until Naruto was sat comfortably in his lap. "Yeah.." he said roughly, noticing over the kid's shoulder the two mismatched, sleepy eyes watching them. "He'll be fine." Iruka said, for the benefit of all three of them. "He'll be just fine."

* * *

The moment passed quickly enough, Naruto was never one to sit still for longer than few minutes at a time. Iruka stood up with the kid still in his arms and headed into the kitchen, really needing coffee. He hadn't eaten anything yet, either, and there were still some leftover pancakes on the counter.

He sent Naruto to get changed and was on his second pancake when Hatake emerged as well, hair a bit tidied and face washed and covered with a scarf. He leaned against the counter and studied Iruka as he ate, so Iruka pushed a plate towards him as well.

"How is he, really." Hatake asked, after hesitantly rolling one of the pancakes, taking an almost delicate bite of it. He looked a bit like he expected the food would bite him right back and Iruka wasn't persuaded that the guy had eaten anything, before. Sure, there was some dent in the pancake pile, but Naruto ate a lot.

"Sleeping." Iruka answered with a slight sigh, wiping his hands clean against his trousers when he was done eating. An offer of coffee got him a nod so he made two mugs, retreating to the kitchen table to drink his own. "He burned parts of his system so no one knows if he'll still be able to use chakra when he wakes up, but.. They all agree he _will_ wake up, on his own time. So there's that."

Hatake nodded along, probably more familiar with this kind of injury than Iruka was. He pushed off of the counter and dropped into a chair as well, hands held around the warmth of the coffee mug. Quiet, still. He looked more nervous than drinking coffee warranted and Iruka had no idea how to help with that; his two still functioning brain cells were too busy worrying about Ibiki and Naruto, respectively.

"Hey." Iruka said, at last, and watched with bewilderment as Hatake's head snapped up, like he was expecting execution. He also, for some reason, hadn't changed out of Iruka's pajamas and didn't really look like he wanted to leave, ever. "Thank you for staying here. With Naruto. And now, too." he said warmly.

"It's.. no trouble." Hatake mumbled somewhere into his coffee and Iruka gave him a smile. It had to get lonely, living all on his own. Iruka had been on his own for long enough to remember the desperation; he didn't wish it upon anyone. Maybe, just maybe he could use a bit of mischief to see if he was right.

"I hate to ask," Iruka continued, dropping his eyes into his mug, but never stopped paying attention. Maybe he should be feeling guilty that instead of worrying about Ibiki, there he was, trying to see if he could adopt a Jounin. But there was nothing to do about sensei at the moment, no matter how he wished there was; he always dealt with problems easier if he could bury them in action. "Think you could stay for a bit longer..? Till morning, maybe. If you don't.. have a job to do or something."

At first Hatake didn't even look up, his shoulders tense in a way that made Iruka worried about backaches. "I was finished when I went to find you." the man answered a part of what Iruka was asking, but.. that was probably enough. That was quite possibly the only agreement an ANBU was capable of; the lack of disagreement.

Iruka reached across the table and squeezed his hand minutely, grinning slightly when the brief touch got him a quick look and a smidge of colour on Hatake's high cheekbones. "Thanks. I'll want to go see sensei in the evening. Just for a bit." Iruka's grin dropped for a moment and he chased the grim thoughts by finishing off his coffee. "Aside of that.. I'll appreciate the company." he said, voice warm and genuine.

Hatake seemed to finally win the battle against gravity and raised his eyes, giving a nod. "Where's the rest of your team, then?" he asked hesitantly, probably worried the question would offend. It was strange how easy it was to read him when he didn't have his nose stuffed into a book. It made Iruka think that maybe the man wore that mask - a scarf at the moment - with a good reason. Or he had come to rely on it too much and forgot to hide. Whichever was true, it was a strange feeling. To realize just how human the White Wolf was.

"Anko's taken over sensei's work for now. And Hayate's with him. I.. don't want him to wake up alone." he admitted. "I'd have stayed, too, but Naruto doesn't really do that good with other people."

Hatake raised an eyebrow at that and Iruka winced, deciding to rather not share what happened the last time Hayate and Yuugao had been babysitting. Usually when Iruka had missions, he left the kid with Ibiki. After all, the 'jiijii' was used to herding difficult brats, had been doing it for the last five years and no one died. "He seemed alright earlier." he said quietly, like he was worried Iruka might disagree, might complain about everything he had done wrong.

And God, Iruka had no idea what to do with a skittish Jounin. "Yeah." he said warmly, fighting the urge to coo and wrap the guy in his arms, maybe ruffle his hair a bit. "I think he likes you." Iruka added, pretty sure that wasn't what was usually the issue. Naruto liked Hayate, too. He even liked Izumo and Kotetsu. But Hatake was a new person and therefore more interesting than the usual mischief. There had been no space for Naruto to get bored and unleash hell.

Speaking of.. the kid had been quiet for way too long already and Iruka wasn't stupid enough to believe it was because he was doing something as harmless as reading. "I'll.. better go check up on him, by the way."

* * *

Three hours later Hatake was sleeping on Iruka's couch, his messy hair dyed dark green, the scarf from around his face nowhere to be found and his clothes splattered with colour.

The chaos hadn't been all bad, though, Iruka decided. Sure, the house was in desperate need of some tidying and he could swear half of what happened shouldn't be physically possible, but.. maybe that was exactly what they had all needed. Instead of getting upset, Hatake seemed to get more and more comfortable. Bewildered, yes, but less like he was one harsh word away from a nervous breakdown. The last mission must have been something. Iruka didn't ask, but he had a suspicion Hatake was the only reason Ibiki had even made it back into the village. And if he was right, then the guy really needed to get his mind off of it. Naruto was great for that.

Iruka found a blanket and covered Hatake with it, then did the same for Naruto that was sprawled over the bed in Iruka's old room, surrounded by three dogs- Hatake's nin-dogs.

He smiled fondly at the sight and turned the light off; it seemed that day after day, his family was growing bigger. Maybe one day the ghosts will be gone for good.


	2. Chapter 2

**As you can clearly see, my job requires a lot of my attention and by no means leaves me enough time to write angsty, hurt-comfort oneshots.**

* * *

_A relic of the past_, Kakashi thinks. The memorial is freezing cold and covered in snow, enough that the names all blend together, unreadable.

_Aren't we all, in the end?_ It's Obito's voice in his head that answers, soft like he only ever heard it once. Soft like one of them is dying.

Kakashi sighs and moves his hand away, his fingerless glove sticking to the stone until he tears it free. A smidge of red remains.

It was warm when he left for his last mission and it's snowing now that he is back. That more than anything should mean something to him, but the dots take too long to connect and he gives up too soon. His hands are shaking and he should go home. He should also probably go file in his report, make sure his superiors know that he is back. He should take a cool shower to wash off blood and grime. Eat. Sleep.

_You talk too much for a ghost, Obito.._ Kakashi would like to smile, but it comes out lopsided, plastic. The mask is sticking to his face and his breath turns to ice on the fabric.

_Which one of us is the ghost, I wonder._

Kakashi knows that his friend might just be right. It's been long since he talked, really talked, to anyone that wasn't long dead. Sometimes he thinks that while the war was over, he still very much lives in the middle of it. A perfect soldier, all the more deadly for having nothing to lose. A perfect, quiet ghost, pale as the snow all around.

_You don't really think so, do you? You're alive, Kakashi. You can do more than kill or get killed._

"They're loud sometimes, aren't they?" That's not Obito's voice and it takes him a moment to realize it sounds so out of place because it isn't. He spins around, startled.

"..they?" The snow hasn't stopped falling, but the man holds an umbrella above them. He radiates enough heat that Kakashi feels the burn of it.

"The ghosts. I come here to argue with them too, sometimes."

"You came here to argue with ghosts..?" Kakashi asks and it comes out more incredulous than the situation warrants. It's not the same, though. Obito argues with him all the time, not the other way around.

"Not this time." Iruka laughs, pushing something into his hand and Kakashi takes it on autopilot, only belatedly realizing he is now holding the umbrella. Because Iruka can't, because he is shrugging out of his winter coat. "Yuugao-san told me you're trying to freeze to death up here. Thought I'd ruin your fun." he says.

It's so ridiculous. Stupid enough, like something Obito would have said. Maybe that's why Kakashi doesn't protest the coat getting wrapped around him, warm and smelling so familiar it hurts.

He opens his mouth to say something, but what is there to say, really?

He left on a mission in the middle of summer and he came back and everything is different, coated in snow and unforgivingly cold.

He wants to ask how long was he gone. He wants to ask if Iruka was worried, he wants to say thank you, hello, help me.

He doesn't know where to begin and so takes the easy way out; he passes out.

* * *

When he comes to, much, much later, he is back on that familiar couch in a house that has too many ghosts. He hears laughter from the corridor and sound of footsteps, sound of life:

Even ghosts need a home.

* * *

He gets up later at night when the sounds have quieted down and he doesn't feel so much like a trespasser. There is a pile of clean, soft looking clothes next to the couch on a chair and he takes them, changes into them without second thought. Maybe he should feel more uncomfortable about waking up in his underclothes, but he doesn't miss sleeping in his stiff uniform.

The sweatpants he pulls on are thick and warm and the hoodie hangs on him, too big in a way he is surprised to like. He rolls his underclothes into a ball much in dire need of washing and pushes away the temptation to just Katon the hell out of it. Not in someone else's house, he won't.

He is probably in need of taking a good shower as well.. and he will, as soon as he gathers enough will for it.

He leaves the room barefoot and walks noiselessly across the corridor, way too familiar for only having been there twice. All the doors are left ajar and all the rooms he passes are dark; everyone is asleep, as they should be, at the hour of ghosts.

_Taking the metaphor a bit too far, aren't we..?_ Obito's voice almost startles him, he has slept, what else does he have to do to get rid of him? With that in mind Kakashi angles into the kitchen, hoping to find some fruit.

He freezes on spot when he finds the light is still on in the kitchen and there is a person by the kitchen table, bend over a stack of paperwork. The person is not Iruka and that more than anything makes him hesitate whether he shouldn't just turn around and leave.

"Stop lurking, for god's sake." It's a female voice and when Kakashi takes a step closer, he recognizes Mitarashi Anko in the artificial light of the room. "You stink like a troll carcass, Hatake. Soup's on the stove, eat. Should be light enough not to come right back out."

Kakashi nods his agreement and gratitude, not having enough energy to muster annoyance at the insult. She doesn't see the gesture and he doesn't care.

The soup is mostly water and vegetable, exactly as advertised. He doesn't bother with a spoon and bowl, pours a bit into a mug and drinks it like that. It's warmth spreads through his whole body and even before he is done completely, he feels revived. His hands have stopped shaking and he finds he no longer wants to crawl under a bed and stay there until his heart gives up.

"Tough one..?" Mitarashi speaks up at the exact same moment Kakashi forgets she is there and he jumps a bit in his seat, dropping the empty mug to the table. It stays in tact, but the noise is enough to make him wince. His eyes flick to the open door of the kitchen, but.. it shouldn't have been enough to carry upstairs and wake anyone up, hopefully.

"Long one." he corrects once the echoes are gone as well. "Lost track of time." In the dead of night it doesn't seem so strange to admit that. Besides, Mitarashi looks like she understands. He thinks she just might.

"Just a bit over four months. The winter's early this year." she answers a question Kakashi didn't ask. He is grateful none the less, even though normally he would be worried about getting read so easily.

That thought startles him again and his hand flies up, groping over his face to realize what he already knew; his mask is gone, lost somewhere between the memorial and Iruka's kitchen. He would like to say that he minds, but, again, he doesn't have the energy for it. Mitarashi is still staring down at her paperwork, occasionally making notes in a notebook by her left elbow. Not commenting, not looking at him. Not judging.

"Can I take a shower here..?" he asks when a minute ticks past, interrupted only by the scratch of her pen. He has a shower at home, but he also has a fridge full of food gone bad, a bowl of rotting fruit on the counter and the company of ghosts. And he has no idea where his shoes are.

"Other side of the corridor, left door. There's a clean towel on the washing machine. And spare toothbrush. Use both, thank me later." Mitarashi recites in the tone of voice people use when they are repeating words entrusted into their care and points towards the door.

Kakashi uses both and makes a note to thank her later.

When he gets out of the bathroom he is dragging his feet again, warmed up and pleasantly full after eating. The kitchen is dark and the house is silent so he goes back upstairs, fully intending to drop back onto the couch and wake up never.

All the doors in the corridor are ajar, but one of them is opened fully; it isn't a coincidence since he can easily see all of them have been moved. He heads into the room he is supposed to go into, makes no noise on the carpet inside.

It isn't the same room he woke up in, obviously, but he is too tired to think about it too deeply. There is a large bed in the middle of the room and what else would he even need?

Kakashi climbs in there quietly, half asleep even before his head finds the pillow. The blanket is heavy and smells of pine needles and sea and when he inches closer to the warm, warm shape occupying the other half of the bed, gentle arm tugs him closer and keeps him safe.

In his dreams his ghosts are quiet and the snow is chased away by sun.

* * *

**Nothing like off screen cuddles to shut the ghosts up, right?**

** Leave me a note.**


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